How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
