This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Randomize
