Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize