I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize