The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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