god. i hate danny gokey.
Hes like the kid in school that reminds the teacher they forgot to assign homeowrk.
he's mormon right? lame.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
