The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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