Will you blow on my dice?
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
