Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize
