well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
worst night to have a conscience
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
