I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
