In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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