Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
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