i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
