I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
