I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Randomize
