areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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