Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
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