you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
and you fell through a lawn chair
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
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