Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
love makes seman taste better
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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