At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Randomize
