whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
