K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Randomize
