He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Randomize
