Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
