It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
