his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
He is an equal opportunity slut.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
