Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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