Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Randomize
