So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
Randomize
