i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
