were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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