Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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