He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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