I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
