...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
