Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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