Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
