i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
"it" just moved
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
