Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
