3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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