shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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