Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
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