Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
