I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
