I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Randomize
