your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Randomize
