just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
