Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
