It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Drunk is a universal language darling
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
