1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
