I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize