You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
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