We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
We need a shit load of segways right now
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
