She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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