it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Randomize