at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
