just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
