Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
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