Tell her she can't have a vagina
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Randomize
