we're chasing vodka with high fives
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
