Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
