dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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