I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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