Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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