If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Please don't give away my fajitas
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